Confessions of an Introverted Stay-at-Home Mom (Whose Son Needs a Little Extra Care)

I'm anxious.  

Just in general. Anxious. I've been at it for 30 years, I think that makes me a professional.  

I was diagnosed with acid reflux at age 9.  I gave myself GERD over being a good daughter, sister, friend and student before I was 9 years old.  I am wound tight.  I have had social anxiety since I can remember. I spent more time hiding behind my mom's skirt at church than just about any other thing. I can visualize right now, riding into the church parking lot in my white tights and church sweater and I can feel the dread.  I was at a church that loved me and my family, it was the only church I went to until I was 11-so there wasn't a newness factor, there weren't new people there, I knew what to expect and still I felt dread.  

When we moved before 6th grade I had to start all over again with friends and again I remember the horrible feelings about trying to make new friends and find a new church. I was the kid that would get a phone invite to a sleepover and shake my head "no" to my parents while asking them verbally if I could go.  My first answer, even if it's in my head was "No." And it continued in High school, college, new jobs, church, everything.  Fear. Anxiety. Dread.  The pressure of getting into and staying in nursing school was immense and I ended up on medication. 

I over analyze what I said, did, laughed at, if I talked to everyone enough, did I miss anyone? 100s of questions to myself after every social engagement, it's exhausting.  I often say that God making me a nurse was His cosmic joke.  Why else would He place me at a job where I had to meet new people everyday, naked-naked people?   

When Norah was born I quit my job to be at home with her.  We were on the go quite a bit! She was a great shopper, easy to eat with in public, a fairly good listener, she didn't need to leave every store with a treat, it was great! Even so, we often did this alone because I was afraid to ask others to join me. Why would they want to join me? It's just me, nervous, awkward me. 

Enter Keller's crazy diagnoses.  Finally, my go-to "no" was my actual answer.  Dinner out? No. Play date? No. Church? No.  We needed to say no to everything for about 6 months because it was a matter of his life and death.  Those "nos" were easy to say because there was no guilt associated with it.  I didn't second guess my "nos" for the first time ever! And it was kind of great, I didn't have the energy to agonize over my choices because I was worried about Keller.  Oh, the anxiety! 

Cut to reentering society after being in seclusion.  Target looked like a giant petri dish.  Play houses at fast food restaurants? I could almost see the germs on those things!  Every where I went people were coughing an sneezing.  People wanted to see him, to see all of us because we had been hiding.  I felt so overwhelmed being around even family and friends because I had pretty much only seen the same 10 people for 6 months. The anxiety returned, hard.  How could I talk to these people? So many had followed our story and I had tried so hard to be vulnerable online but now I'm face to face with people who had traveled the journey with us, unbeknownst to me.  They felt like strangers to me but I was family to them. My name, Keller's name had been on their lips constantly and while I appreciated that I didn't know their stories like they knew mine. More awkwardness.

2 years later, it's still a struggle.  I feel like I should be better at being social now that I'm 30.  I have seasons in my life where I handle it all better than others but in general, even going to my best friend's house, can still give me anxiety.  I have learned so much about opening up and just being myself through my years at a nurse, a mom, and now a mom to a boy with a few extra needs.  But every invitation we get, every social event we are invited to I wince a little, I wonder just for a second if I could get out of it.  After every gathering, birthday party, Christmas, what ever I question myself, I wonder who thinks my clothes looked strange, did I laugh a little too hard at that joke, did I come across like a big dork? 

So now is the time where I tell you what I've learned.  Where I can tell you the redemption in all of this, are you ready?   Jesus. That's it.  Jesus. I was going back and forth about sharing my story because I don't want to seem whiny and I don't want to make this about myself, even though I just typed "I" like 100 times. Today in church the sermon was about anxiety and I knew that was my prompt to share.  Someone reading this might have the same issues and could benefit from me sharing.  Or, perhaps, I just shouldn't pass up a chance to talk about what Christ can do.  

So, here it is, straight from the Bible-Matthew 6 25-33

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[a]  And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." 

Here's what stands out to me: Birds don't have silos full of food and yet they have enough food for the day, wouldn't He provide for my needs more than a bird? After all He made me in His image. Worrying doesn't help me at all, it doesn't add time to my life. If I seek Him first, most, best, always, He will take care of the rest.  I have been well taken care of even when things were hard.  God has sent my family food, money, gifts for our kids, blankets, notes of love and support, people that we needed to cross paths with at just the right time.  He has watched over us, protected, guided.  He has even provided people we can love through our journey. If He has done that for my 30 years here on Earth, why should I suspect He would stop or change? It's certainly not my faithfulness that has kept me in His hand, only His goodness.  

He sent His son for me even though he knew I would worry way too much. Jesus died for me all the while knowing there would be days I would be "too busy" to talk to Him and walk with Him. He died knowing that I would want to pray for big things in His name all the while doubting my prayers would change anything.  He still came. He still loved. He still died. For the likes of me.

Oh and here's a good one from John 16: 33.  

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

How good is that? He has overcome the world!! That means WE WIN!

So there you have it.  I seek to be perfect and He looks at my mess and says "You are perfectly mine."  I am weak and yet He trusts me with little lives, with a husband who knows my weakness and loves me anyway, with friends who He trusts me with, with ladies at MOPs who need encouragement. And when I doubt myself, when the questions sneak into the corners of my mind I need to remind myself to seek His Kingdom.  This is your invitation to tell me to "Seek His Kingdom" because if I seek Him as hard as I worry....well the world just better watch out!

~alli